Setting Boundaries at Work
Why Self-Respect Isn’t Enough
Setting a boundary at work requires not only the inner permission to take yourself seriously, but also an organizational culture in which this is possible without negative consequences.
The boundary is usually already there
“I’d love to bring this up. But then my boss will think I can’t handle the pressure.” I hear statements like this time and again in workshops and coaching sessions. What’s interesting is that, in most cases, people have known their limits for a long time. They realize that things are getting out of hand, that they need to refocus, take a break, prioritize—or that they really should say no to yet another task.
The difficulty often begins only afterward: with the question of what happens if they actually voice that boundary. What will the boss think? Will they disappoint someone? Will they be seen as less flexible—even though others seem to manage just fine?
Rick Hanson’s Perspective: “Your ‘no’ doesn’t need their permission”
Psychologist Rick Hanson describes a concept I find very helpful: “Your ‘no’ doesn’t need their permission.” A boundary isn’t justified simply because the other person can understand it or approves of it.
Hanson describes three interrelated factors: self-respect—your own needs matter just as much as those of others; compassion—you can understand that your boundary might be uncomfortable for someone else; And equanimity—you don’t have to immediately change, prevent, or “fix” that reaction. This allows you to stand by your boundary while still staying connected.
The Second Side: Culture Plays a Role
So much for the individual perspective. In a work context, there’s a second aspect. “Your ‘no’ doesn’t need their permission” doesn’t automatically mean that saying “no” comes without consequences. The worry “What will my boss think?” may be unfounded. But it can also be based on very real experiences—on who is considered resilient, who gets the interesting tasks, who is perceived as “committed,” and what unspoken rules exist about what’s actually considered normal in an organization.
That’s why even the well-intentioned advice “You just have to set better boundaries” falls short. People need the inner permission to take their boundaries seriously. And organizations need a culture in which that is actually possible.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Why is it so hard to set boundaries at work?
Usually not because of a lack of knowledge, but because of a fear of social consequences—such as losing prestige, giving the impression of being less resilient, or the fear of being seen as less committed than colleagues. This concern is often so pervasive that it prevents people from voicing a boundary they’ve long recognized, even when there’s objectively little reason not to. - What does “Your ‘no’ doesn’t need their permission” mean?
A concept coined by Rick Hanson: A boundary isn’t legitimate only when the other person can understand or approve of it. Hanson links this to self-respect—giving one’s own needs just as much weight as those of others—compassion for the other person’s reaction, and the willingness to endure that reaction rather than trying to resolve it immediately. - What can leaders do to ensure that boundaries are accepted within the team?
Leaders help shape whether boundaries are considered legitimate within the team through their own behavior. If a leader visibly sets boundaries—for example, regarding availability or workload—and is not judged negatively for doing so, this sets a precedent that makes it easier for others to follow suit. Unspoken expectations of constant availability have a stronger impact than any explicitly stated cultural message—what matters most is what actually goes unchallenged in everyday life.
